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Ben and Jerry's

I really don't know what bad omen put a gun to my head and dragged me over to the ice cream coolers in the super market. There, among all the Scandinavian names and health food frozen yogurts, was this Ben & Jerry's display. Down home hippie ice cream, I thought. Some kind of joke. Little did I realize the serious problem that I was opening for myself. In small type it says, "the first one's free" on the package. We're talking SERIOUS addiction potential here. Whoever came up with these flavors obviously spent years smoking grass and creativity getting the munchies. First I tried the Chunky Monkey, banana and chunks of chocolate big enough to kill a horse. After the third pint  I started to understand these guys are playing for real. Then I bought some Cherry Garcia. Gimmie a break. Too cute, I thought, except the stuff is to die for. I don't even like cherry ice cream, but they made a convert of me after the first bowl. Real pieces of cherries and the chunks of chocolate .


So, eleven thirty at night and I'm slipping out for a pint and I know I'm in trouble. I gone to Ralph and Jerry's because I know they're open late. Rainbow's closed and they don't carry the stuff, for some reason. Ralph and Jerry's has a cooler with a bunch of kinds I haven't tried including something marked LIGHT. Sweet cream and cookies. How bad can it be? I pick up this LIGHT ice cream and see it's only 220 calories. I mean in my mind LIGHT means something that burns as many calories as running around a track just to eat it. You know, I buy the carton marked LIGHT and I'm already getting thinner. I don't even think  220 calories per what? I already have a clue how many pints I can eat at a single sitting. And how many more I can eat after a short rest, but I'm not thinking about that. I've found a carton marked LIGHT and I'm already turning into this svelt dude.


I tell Professor Christopher Robin about the Cherry Garcia and he tells me about how politically correct the company is and they're saving the rain forest by buying Macadamia nuts, so I know I'm helping to make the world a better place by eating  Ben & Jerry's  ice cream.
It goes through my mind how these old hippies probably change because the company's so damn successful. But, I didn't know them before and I don't know them now so I don't think about it too much. Besides, since I don't know them it makes me feel better to pretend they're good guys. It makes me sick to think of what has happened to most of the old hippies that I DO know as they've come into middle age, so I need some good guys even if I made them up. Makes it a little easier to put one foot in front of the other.


So while I'm eating my Sweet cream and Cookies ice cream I'm losing weight and saving the rain forests and helping a humane organization to win and encouraging peace and love and all for the price of a pint of ice cream. It's everything you've ever wanted ice cream to be.  It's the Platonic ice cream. Eating a pint of the stuff is the first time in years that I've felt that I've done something truly worthwhile. And all for half the cost of a nickel bag.